FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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