i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
