he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
