he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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