I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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