nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
