You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
