Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
