You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Randomize
