I just threw up on my dentist
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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