So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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