My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize