Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
