Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
