Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
