fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
