i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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