let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
