My liver just broke up with me...
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
He passed out mid-signature
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
