I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
