Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
