If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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