There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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