After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
