Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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