Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
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