I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
