my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Two words: blizzard sex
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
