cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
