we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
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