i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
