Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
