Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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