So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
