I just saw a hot homeless man
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
