I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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