Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Randomize
