Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Randomize
