Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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