My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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