the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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