Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
