watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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