If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
We smell like vodka and hangover
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