The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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