It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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