so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize