His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
