addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
