i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
