i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize