I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
