She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
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