you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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