nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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