Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
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