I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
