My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
