We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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