Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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