I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
