Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
me + whiskey = a bad person
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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