I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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