oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
