Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
