I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
